dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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