she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
