I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
