oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
