He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
