remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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