Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
