awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
