I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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