if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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