I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
