If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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