Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize