I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
