why im i the only drunk person in the library?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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