A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
