I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
