I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
