I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
