I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
