im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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