We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
