I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
