Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
