i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
