hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
