mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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