I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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