I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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