An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
