what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
