how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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