piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You are a genius and a whore.
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