The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
