lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
