don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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