amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
