I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Sorry my hands just texted you
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
