My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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