There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
