Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think my moral compass just broke
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