Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
