my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
