My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize