Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
