I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I AM VODKA MAN
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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