Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
cat food counts as protein by the way
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We have started to decorate penises.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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