Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize