u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
