9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
