I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
