if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
