Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
