So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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