your room smells of hookers.
And success
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
