Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
