I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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