Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
