Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
