Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
