My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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